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The Week of Sex - Day 5 (part 2)

Here's the second question for the day, that we received on the connect cards this past Sunday.

    "How do you encourage couples to abstain from intimacy when in a long term relationship, or after you're engaged?  Is it "ok" to be intimate once you're committed to each other but not officially married?"

To view some more thoughts on this question, check out the "comments" from the Day 3 post (I believe).  I talk about it there.  I'll tell you Jen and my experience (with a little anxiety).  We dated for 3 1/2 years.  We were apart during the summers (mostly), but around each other all the time during the school year, as we met in college in Indiana.  No curfews, lots of time together, etc.  The dating relationship and our levels of sexual expression are meant to lead some place.  To marriage and to intercourse.  We start by just talking, then holding hands, then a hug, then a kiss, then making out, etc. - it's progressive in nature.  There are only so many steps you can take during 3 1/2 LONG years :-).  We were engaged for 14 months - which I would STRONGLY suggest a short engagement period. 

When a couple gets engaged, they begin to view themselves as pseudo-marrieds.  They've got the ring, they're making wedding plans, buying things for their new life together.  But, they are still NOT married.  And most all of us know multiple people who have called off their engagement, even in the month or so before their wedding date. 

Jennifer and I struggled physically to remain within the context of what we felt God called us to as far as purity.  Which we felt like was no intercourse, being naked together, or touching our "sexual" parts together.  It was not easy, and there were times when we wanted to push the limits in our desire to "pet" or touch or press against one another.  So, we tried to put boundaries in place.  Like not being alone together for any real length of time, or at least being alone together in a more public place.  We once tried to just go back to intimacy like when we were first dating - kind of like a "reset" button.  Start hand holding, a hug, a kiss, etc. (that didn't last long!). 

We ended up getting married and were able to start our marriage without feeling any regret or dealing with comparisons because of past relationships.  But, if we had not gotten married, and went on to other relationships, we still pushed our limits further than I would have wished we had (althought still pretty tame).  But don't be fooled - it was not easy for us.  It was an extreme temptation and point of frustration.  For the sake of your future husband or wife, purity is the best policy.  Beyond the fact, that we've established in previous posts, that God speaks clearly in the Bible that sex is designed to be in the marriage bed, not out of it.  The number one thing we're doing, is obeying God when we strive for sexual purity.  Secondly, we're safe guarding ourselves and our future spouse from dealing with more baggage than we would want to face.  Until that marriage happens, you're still not really "committed", so to speak.  There are no financial ramifications for breaking an engagement.  There are no legal ramifications for breaking an engagement.

I do think, when we make the difficult decision to honor God with our sexuality, He will honor you.  It doesn't guarantee a great sex life when you get married, but He will honor you and bless you for your commitment, and it certainly puts your sex life within the right framework to succeed and be fulfilling.

I would encourage couples to move up their wedding date before they decide to live together or before they feel like they can no longer control themselves physically.  The divorce rate in America is hovering around 50-55%, and those that live together prior to marriage increase that possibility significantly, according to every major study that's ever been done on that issue.

Only with God's help and through prayer for each other and our purity that we were able to enter into our marriage in the healthy way we did.

The Week of Sex - Day 5

Anyone running on fumes yet??  Hopefully, many are experiencing a rejuvination in your sexual lives.

Today, I'm answering a few questions that have been asked.  Tomorrow, I'll answer some more.

Yesterday, "annoymous" asked if they catch their children touching themselves, should it be ignored or frowned upon.

My answer is . . . neither.  The discussion about masturbation does not need to be long or drawn out with your children, but it does need to happen before they hit puberty and it becomes exceedingly embarassing for them.  When they are young (5-10 years old), there may be a curiousity with touching themselves, leaning against something, letting the shower hit their "privates", etc.  Most children can simply be re-directed into some other activity when we "catch" this behavior.  It doesn't need to be made a big deal of.  Certainly we don't need to slap their hands away, spank them, or the like.  This will reinforce to them something I'll talk about below.  Toddlers and such are simply curious about their bodies.  They may experience pleasure from touching themselves, but they will not identify that with anything sexual.  As they grow into that 7-10 age, redirecting is one of the best options.

When they are heading into puberty, it would be best to have a short, but frank discussion.  Dr. James Dobson, a Christian psychologist, author, speaker, and radio host tells the story of the conversation his father had with him:  "Jim, when I was a boy, I worried so much about masturbation.  It really became a scary thing for me because I thought God was condemning me for what I couldn't help.  So, I'm telling you now that I hope you don't feel the need to engage in this act when you reach your teen years, but if you do, you shouldn't be too concerned about it.  I don't believe it has much to do with your relationship with God."

If our children are masturbating in their teen years, there are a couple of things we need to be keenly aware of.  We need to help them guard against guilt.  The oppresive guilt that can come from masturbation, can cause some significant emotional and spiritual damage.  They may begin to question if God can really love them, after they promised to stop for the 100th time and failed again.  You can relieve some of this guilt, by having a conversation like the one above.  On top of that, guilt (for young teen boys and girls) can cause them to be in a "hurry up and get this morally wrong act over with".  That has unintended consequences when it comes to the marriage bed.  Including struggling to develop intimacy with their spouse because of guilt, and "learning" to have a quick release.  There is also the possibility of it becoming extremely obsessive.  Dobson believes that an obsessive masturbator is more apt to occur with someone who sees it as "forbidden fruit".  In other words, your conversation freeing them of guilt, can also help it from becoming obsessive.  Don't emphasize, nor condemn.  Lastly, please be on your guard against porn and it's destructive forces.  Our teens, still need to guard against lust, sexual fantasies, and viewing images that degrade the opposite sex.

I'll post question #2 later this morning. 

The Week of Sex - comments

Don't forget to click on the comments below each post.  There have been a few good questions that I've tried to answer.  You might find those helpful, and you might want to enter the conversation.

Today's larger post, is just below!  Hope you're all doing well as we enter Day 4!

The Week of Sex - Day 4

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of The Journey Church (in other words, I didn't talk these through with Lead Team or with our Staff to get consensus).  I'm simply sharing where I believe things shake out after a study of Scripture.  Today, we're talking some specifics - tomorrow, and Friday, I'll be answering questions that people asked from last Sunday.

If you didn't read yesterday's post, please read it first.  We talked about what was okay and not okay according to the Bible when it comes to married sex (which according to the Bible is the only legitimate place for sexual relationships).

So . . . what about oral sex?  Doesn't include animals, doesn't include third parties.  Is it mutually agreed upon by husband and wife and is it doing harm to anyone?  That's the question you need to ask each other in the marriage bed.  Let me thow out a question I heard once.  "It's okay to kiss every other part of the body, but is it not okay to kiss or touch our genitals?"  It may be wrong for you as a couple.  But, it doesn't seem to me that the Bible prohibits couples if they want to make that part of their marriage bed experience.

Okay, how about sex toys?  Doesn't include animals, doesn't include third parties (although, I would argue, it could - if you are for example using a . . . (yup, I'm going there) dildo that's modeled after some real person, or if it's causing you to fantasize about someone else.  The last question, again will only be answerable by you as a couple - Is it mutually agreed upon and is it doing harm to anyone?  This is a little more tricky.  Could potentially a sex toy, like a vibrator, cause you to become dependent on that to experience pleasure?  Does it give you and your spouse an "easy way out" from figuring out how to pleasure one another effectively?  Both of those questions are up for debate, but certainly things worth thinking about.  Do sex toys cause you to seek your own release instead of "bothering" your spouse, and you end up missing out on the intimacy you both could share?  Again, those are just questions worth pondering.  Some people might say - well, where can you buy them - you'll be supporting some porn place.  That's a valid point.  There are actually, a number of Christian based sex toy online shops that (I'm told . . . really!) feature no live models or nudity, etc. for Christian married couples.  Again, I believe according to my understanding of the Bible, that sex toys are not prohibited, but do need to addressed with some caution.  In many respects, they can function like other "props" you may use in your marriage bed (like music, pillows, some type of lubrication, banana split sundae's - I just said that to mess with you all!!).

Okay - these posts are WAY TOO LONG!  So, I'm staying away from masterbation - but if I get enough anonymous (or not) comments asking to talk about it - I'll take that on as well.

Okay, leave, your comments and questions.  What concerns, thoughts do you have??  Anyone dare?

The Week of Sex - Day 3

So, today is day 3 in The Journey 7 Day Challenge.  7 Days of Sexual intimacy.  Hope it's going well for you and that you're having some great (even difficult but helpful) conversations.  Remember, we're praying for your marriages.

Today, I want to talk briefly about what's okay and what's not okay in the marriage bed.  Yesterday, we said there are 3 things that are definitely NOT okay in the marriage bed.  So . . . ready or not here it comes.

1.  No animals.  Okay, seriously, I know that's not a huge surprise to most of you (nor a concern), but that's one.  You can "BE" an animal in bed, you just can't HAVE an animal in bed.  Enough said. Leviticus 16-18 mentions it several times - but do you even really need to look it up?!

2.  No third parties.  The Bible says the marriage bed is between one man, one woman, no third party.  Three is definitely a crowd.  The Bible says a married man who has sex with a woman who is not his wife is committing adultery (Ex 20:14, Mt 5:27);  But the larger picture is that Jesus called us to an even higher standard.  To not even look at someone else lustfully.  That we are to be a one woman man, or a one man woman.  We become one flesh in the marriage bed, and letting anyone else "in" to the marriage bed is against God's standards.

3.  Something that isn't mutually agreed upon or that can harm your spouse.  Being servant lovers means that you're putting the other's interests first. We're guarding against them being harmed or doing something they feel is morally wrong or degrading.  Look back at the verses that we talked about on Sunday about being servants.

That's it people.  Those 3.  So, enjoy the freedom God has given you in the marriage bed.  Now, before you run off - here's what that means . . . no third parties, means not bringing other people into the bedroom - and that means sexual fantasies about someone else other than your spouse (yup), that means porn (even if you're watching it or looking at it together), that means (be prepared) not using a sex toy that is modeled after some celebrity or porn star (uh, yes they make those).  Third parties mean you're guarding against emotional affairs, and you're certainly not having physical ones either.  When we talk about being mutually agreed upon, it means not forcing your spouse to do something against their wishes.  It means not pushing them into something they don't want to do.  Will there be times when you'll encourage your spouse to do something that stretches their comfort zone?  Sure.  But the servant lover will approach that lovingly, gently, and willing to drop it for the time being if they aren't interested.

Okay, what do you agree with or disagree with?  Any specific questions you have?  The truth is, there will be a matter of conviction among people as well.  Although God may not expressly prohibit something in the Bible, it may not be right for you, or healthy for you personally, or in your marriage bed.  Depending on your past, depending on past abuse issues, thought life issues, porn issues, etc.  Sometimes the wise choice based on our past, our personality, etc. may look different than someone else's.  Does that make sense?

If they are not addressed in the comments today, tomorrow I'll talk about things like oral sex, sex toys, and a few others, maybe even the "m" word (anyone's eyes bulging out of their heads yet???).

The Week of Sex - Day 1 (pt. 2 - questions)

Below I listed a number of resources, including a guide to the metaphors in Song of Songs. 

Just wanted to post to give you a place to leave questions.  Have a question you want answered, you can leave one anonymously here by commenting to this post.  I'll look to answer as many as I can as the week progresses.  And, don't forget to check out some of the great resources below.

The Week of Sex - Day 1

So, yesterday we talked about sex at The Journey.  I thought it must have been a little bit of a strange experience for those who were first time guests!!  I heard some good comments and funny ones.  IBncluding some people talking about the next Journey Baby Boom.  I also heard one parent who's teen said "awkward" at one point when it came to the 7 Day challenge.  Then the parent said they were going to put a sign on their bedroom door all week that said "experiment in progress".  Now, that's funny!!

Today, I'm passing along some great resources.  In the days ahead, I'll be talking about what's not okay and what's okay for a Jesus follower, when it comes to sex.  I'll also approach some hot button issues like sex toys, oral sex, etc.  Plus, I'll answer some of the questions that we got through our connect cards.

Before we're on to the resources - what did you think of yesterday?  TMI?  Practical?  Biblical?  Too one-sided?  Let me know your thoughts.

Download Song of Songs probable translations to metaphors

Here's some books to check out, with their link at Amazon.com:

Intimacy Ignited - this book was responsible for some of the content of the message on Sunday.  Highly recommended.

Intimate Issues - deals with specific issues in the marriage bed.

   For Women Only: What You Need To Know About The Inner Lives of Men - we used the studies, and some key thoughts from this book, and it's companion book,

For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women - guys, this book will help you!!

Going All The Way by Craig Groeschel a great book from a great pastor about preparing for marriage.  This is for all the singles.

 Sheet Music by Kevin Leman is an especially good book if you grew up with a pretty strict background, or you feel like discussing and reading about this topic is a little out of your comfort zone.  Practical, helpful but not too serious.

Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.  The subtitle is - "The love she most desires; the respect he desperately needs".  I haven't read this yet, but I've heard lots of great things about this book from people I respect. 

Simply Romantic Nights

 can help you put a little romance into the marriage, guys!

Every Man's Battle this book deals with the sexual temptations that men face, especially porn.

Every Woman's Battle deals with finding sexual and emotional fulfillment and the temptations that women face.

    The Sexually Confident Wife - building up confidence and embracing who God designed you to be. 

I know there's lots of other resources out there, but wanted to give you some ideas of some solid resources that will be dealing with sex from a healthy, God-designed way.

Alright, that's it for now.  Tomorrow . . . what's okay and what's not okay.  I'll give you a hint . . . there's three things are definitely NOT okay.  Should be interesting. 

Day off (sort of)

Very rarely do I actually take a full day off.  I usually work M-F and then I spend 2-3 hours on Saturday going over the message, etc. and then Sunday at church and sometimes at our group.  So, there will be the occasional day that I skip out on early.  Today, was one of those days.  I worked from 8-11 am, and then again between 3:30 and I'll finish up around 5 pm.  In between, I went on a bike ride with Jen and took Jake to the beach.  It was a great afternoon!

New Journey tees, Lousy t-shirts, and Vegas Baby!

Over on Matt's blog you can vote on which Journey t-shirts you want us to get next.  Matt designs them all.  You can check them out and cast your vote by clicking here!

Speaking of tees, we start a brand new series next Sunday based on  this book.  Oh, and the author, Vince Antonucci, who is starting a brand new church in Vegas, will be speaking at The Journey for the first week.  We've gotten to know Vince a little bit over the last 1 1/2 years.  His leadership, even from afar has been a big help to us.  He loves reaching out to people who were disconnected from God & we can't wait to partner with him as he reaches to make a difference in Sin City.

If you haven't picked up his book - they'll be on sale this week at The Journey.  Lots of groups are doing this for their Journey Groups, so jump on the band wagon . . . you know you want to. 

Thinking Sex

Yup, this week at The Journey we're talking about "Bringing your sex life back from the dead", so I'm thinking sex this week as I prepare for the message.  So, just a reminder to all those journeyers with kids - you may want to take advantage of our great Journey Kids programs this Sunday as the message will definitely be a PG-13 message.

So, mom and dad, other relatives - there will be nothing on this blog next week, so no need to even look and read.

for the rest - next week will be "The week of Sex" on the blog.  Each day I'll blog, answering your questions, providing some quality resources, and discussing some hot button topics.

Should be interesting . . .